So long time no post. I never actually forgot about making posts, I just lost the desire to make them like so many things in my life that I’ve lost the desire to do. Yay depression killer of all things good. I’m coning back here though because I’m at my wits end and no one to really talk to, so I decided to write my feelings seeing as how I suck at speaking them and the people I would go to to spill my guts to are generally either not very helpful or they make me feel worse because all I seem to talk about is how crappy I feel because that’s all I really have going on right now.
I can’t find a job. I want to go back to school, but I can’t because I have no funds or reliable transportation. I’ve become a shut in.I can count on my hands how many people I actually talk to regularly (most of them are family). All I do is clean, attempt to sleep/have a regular sleeping schedule, and cook. I’m basically a house wife without being married. I suck at relationships. Not just romantic ones. All of them. Relating to other people is not my forte especially since I’d actually have to talk to them to be able to relate. So I’m completely stuck in my situation.
There are things I can do to get out of my rut. Like apply for every job in sight, save up for a car, talk to people, pick up a hobby, but the more I try, the more I feel like I’m being pulled back by the glue that’s stuck to my feet. I’ve made up a daily schedule for myself to follow to keep my self busy because when I’m busy, I can at least pretend that I’m doing something with my life, but because I can’t sleep on a regular schedule, I can’t exactly follow the schedule I’ve made. So I tried just following the schedule once I wake up regardless of the time, but lately my sleeping has gotten to the point where either I’m sleeping all the time because I don’t sleep for days or I don’t sleep or days the I crash really hard. Sleeping pills really only work when I’m tired otherwise it just feels like I might what to go to sleep when they kick in. So being on a schedule won’t work unless I get a handle on my sleep. Couple this with my anxiety and depression, it just makes things even harder because I have to pretty much force myself to leave my bed (unless I have to potty). And these are just the surface issues.
Going deeper than that I have zero self worth/confidence. I’m confused about what I want to do with my life. I’m confused about my beliefs. So many things have changed since I graduated from college nearly 3 years ago. Things that I thought I had a handle on, I no longer do and those were the things I was most certain of at the time. Things that were at the very core of who I am that I thought would never change. So lets examine each thing to see where it all went wrong.
I’ve never had the most self worth or confidence, but when it came to my craft, I at least had some. I knew I was no where near the professional level, that I needed to have more training, thus the reason for grad school which was the hardest year and a half of my life. I was pushed constantly, I ate and slept very little, and what little confidence I had was slowly whittled out of me. I was tired. I wasn’t happy with the work that I was putting out, even though I was doing things to the best of my ability. I hated my major professor because we never saw eye to eye nor could we communicate effectively with each other. The only good thing I can say that I was happy with was my peers. They are some of the best people I’ve ever met. So it was a good thing that I was kicked out because I wasn’t happy, but at the same time it was a confidence drainer because my whole life the only thing that I was really good at and that made me happy was pretty much taken away from me. I stopped acting because I can’t audition, and as an actor that’s the only way you’ll get a foot in the door, which is why I focused more on technical theatre in undergrad. I knew I needed more work on my technical skills, thus grad school, but after that year and a half I realized that while I love lighting design, I can’t put myself through that process again especially with the skills that I have currently (which aren’t that many). I love theatre so much, and I miss it, but just the thought of putting myself back in that atmosphere is completely terrifying. So that’s completely out of the picture for the moment. Now, I have very little else that I feel confident in. All I want to do is tell stories and create things, but I don’t really have a medium any more. So I have no clue what to do.
As for self worth, it’s hard to have it when you’ve been made to feel unworthy. I’ve never been the most vocal person, so I either got picked on a lot for the things I did talk about or I was ignored. I was molested by my older brother, which was never really dealt with even after I told my mother when I was 18. Her reaction to that and to my anxiety and depression was pretty underwhelming. Her cure all is to just pray about it. I’ve tried that and it doesn’t really help, so I told her I need to speak with a therapist, which she is totally against. Pretty much any conversation we have about dealing with my issues her response is to pray about it and hopefully it’ll go away. Couple all of that with that fact that it felt like both of my parents have ignored me for most of my life, and it’s easy to why I feel very little worth.
It’s really hard to hold on to beliefs when there are two very different extremes being shoved in your face on a daily basis without there being room for any kind of discussion. It’s pretty much to the point where when any topic of beliefs/philosophies comes up, I ignore it. Not because I don’t agree, I just don’t want to hear it. I’ve heard everything. I’m done hearing everything. I just want to deal with it all on my own terms without anyone else’s judgments and input.
It’s almost like I no longer have a voice. An identity. I’m like a blank slate, and that scares the crap out of me because I used to be so sure of who I was, and now I’m not. Now I have to constantly fight the thoughts of slitting my wrists or downing every single pill I own. I have to fight just to want to exist, and the crazy thing about it all is that I don’t actually want to die. I want to get better and enjoy things for once, but I’m just really really really tired of everything, and I don’t know how to no longer be tired anymore or where to begin again. I’ve tried expressing this to the people closest to me, but for the most part it’s like talking to a brick wall, or I’ve talked about it so much (which I barely talk about it, but people keep asking hoping for a different result) that people are tired of the same answers, but I don’t know how to give another answer when nothing has changed and they only have the same things to say to me about it, so it just ends up being a giant head ache that I want to ignore, but I can’t and that’s my problem in a nut shell. I have a whole lot of shit to get through and get over, but I don’t know how to do it.